If you have been following this blog for any length of time you will know Donny and I are trying to do things a bit differently with this wedding. Our aim is strip away as much of the meaningless wedding flotsam as we can, and do an event which focusses purely on the elements that are important and meaningful to us.
So we won’t be having lots of flowers, there won’t be a big fruit cake and there will be a significant absence of wedding favours on the table. These are things we can live without. But when Donny asked if we wanted bother with wedding rings, I was really surprised.
I had just assumed us having wedding rings was a given. You see, I like the symbolism of a wedding ring – I like that it symbolises that we belong to each other. I also really like the fact that it is probably the only physical thing that we take from the wedding event into the day-to-day reality of our married life.
Having said all that, I guess the nature of what we are trying to do with the wedding means we need to challenge everything – even the elements I personally like. Donny’s point is that historically in heterosexual Christian marriage the ring would be worn by the bride as a symbol of her belonging to her groom – to represent sort of transfer of property. Much in the same way a pig or bull might have a ring through the end of its nose. It’s only much more recently in history that the groom started also wearing a ring. We don’t want to ‘own’ each other, so why would we wear something that has this strong historical connotation?
So the question is: do we reject a symbol that represents the heterosexual norms of marriage so strongly, or do we seek to take that symbol and somehow redeem it representing something much more progressive and meaningful for us?
8 replies on “Bored of the Rings?”
Just to clarify, it is the overtly commercial aspects associated with the wedding industry that I dislike. So much of this industry is shaped by DeBeers marketers, to the point that most people in Western countries accept things as “tradition” — the concept of buying a diamond engagement ring worth 2-3 months’ salary being but one of many such examples of blatant marketing that the masses blindly follow (and cite verbatim).
It is fair to say things have moved on from a wedding ring symbolising property ownership! In most modern marriage ceremonies, both sacred and secular, both parties exchange rings as an external symbol of commitment to one another.
In the process of rationalising why I support gay marriage I sorted out the difference in my mind between what is on offer at present. A civil partnership is a legal contract formalising a committed relationship. A wedding contains that element of legal contract that is additionally a public announcement of that couple’s commitment to one another. Marrying in church simply adds a dimension of the church blessing the union. It seems to me that you have always been clear about being married and rings would simply be an outward manifestation of your commitment to one another.
I applaud your questioning of all the expensive and often meaningless trappings that accompany modern weddings but if I’m honest, I think rings are a core part of a marriage ceremony.
In that case, may I also request a dowry? 20 sheep will do for a bride of Chris’s age. 😉
It’s a good question, but one that only you two can answer. It occured to me that there might be some other questions you could ask yourselfs before answering it:
Why do you want a symbol, and what message do you want it to give? Would it give out a message you aren’t happy with?
Are there any other symbols you could make your own, or could you adapt the ring?
I don’t wear my wedding ring, it doesn’t fit. I think it’s good symbol, but it’s only a symbol…
Hi Chris and Donny,
Really enjoying your journey, it’s nice to keep up even though we are in Derby.
The ring thing got my attention, I completely agree with the commercialism and great expense that people buy into and also to question all the tat that goes along with the “traditional” wedding, we did away with a lot of the dross ourselves (10 years ago now) we tried to simply celebrate our union, before our friends and family and before God.
Re the rings, as a hetro guy, I wear a ring, Dawn also wears a ring, I don’t see it as a sign of ownership or anything enslaving, but as a symbol of my commitment to and love for Dawn and hers likewise, also as a sign of equality within our relationship and an outward sign to others of my devotion to Dawn.
I personally have more of an issue with the legal side of marriage, the signing of documents and the state involvement of what is ultimately an intensely personal commitment.
I think if I were to ask a question I would ask…what does it symbolise to you personally? If it cannot be redeemed or reconciled, then do away with it, though I would have to agree with Paul, that a ring is more than an object, but an integral symbol of marriage.
Lots of love to you both, jx
Late to the commenting here…I think ya’ll would have a lot of fun designing your rings. You can each have your own or have matching ones, whatever floats your boat(s).
Beyond the ‘love and commitment to my husband’ part, I see my ring as a sign to others that I’m taken and I take the commitment seriously enough to let it be obvious from a distance. You’re getting married because you take your commitment seriously – I think when 2 guys or 2 ladies wear rings it’s a powerful way of saying “our relationship is every bit as real and solid as others’ are.”
Since I’ve been married I’ve had one guy try to get me back to his hotel room and I was able to tell him in no uncertain terms that I didn’t care how little commitment he had to his wife (and kids), he should be ashamed of himself for trying it on with me. If I didn’t have on a ring and my husband hadn’t come up in conversation, he would have still been a lech; however, it would have been more understandable for him to think I was up for it.
My fiance and I are exchanging rings, although begrudgingly on his part at first. It comes down to practicality because my fiance is more of the “rough and tumble” type of guy, he worried he would lose the ring. I explained to him that for me the rings symbolized our commitment and love for each other. I also suggested that he take his ring off when he did yard work or split logs.
So I say look beyond the “heterosexual Christian marriage” symbolism of the ring and let your rings, if you choose to get them, symbolize something more personal for you and Donny.
Have just come across your blog and have enjoyed reading the entries. My son and his partner are having their gay wedding very soon, and it was great to read such honest and interesting comments. Thank you.