Baby steps for the new year

So far with my parents, I have decided to not bring up the topic of our wedding, which I will refer to in this blog as The Elephant In The Room (TEITR). It’s a shame really, as the planning stages for TEITR are almost as exciting and fun as the eventual day will be, and I have a strong desire to share our discoveries with them. But I have made a firm decision to not bring things up with them, since Dont Ask, Don’t Tell seems to be their policy. I know this will deepen the rift between us, but I need them to show some interest, and by not bringing it up, it may force them to show interest (if there is any on their part).

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is what they told me years ago when I first came out to them. They don’t deny the fact that I am gay and that I will not be changing my orientation (no matter how hard they have pleaded in the past for me to at least “experiment”). But they were so fearful of the potential shame within their small community of extended relatives and friends, that they pleaded for me to not tell anyone. They rationalized that since Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was good enough for President Clinton’s policy for the U.S. military, it was good enough for our family.

I of course disagreed. Yet I was torn between honoring my parents’ wishes, which is what a good Asian kid is trained to do from day one, and to being honest and true to myself and others, which is what being an independent adult and member of human society is all about. So eventually we reached a detente. I would live my life as I see fit as long as no one they knew found out about my “delicate situation”. This was easy when I lived 2,700 miles away from them in Boston. And even easier still when I moved to London, which is 5,400 miles away from San Francisco. And whenever I was back in San Francisco, or with any relatives, I would just be their “batchelor” son who was too busy with school or work to settle down. So I lied to others on their behalf, despite the values they taught me about honesty.

This arrangement worked, but not when my ex traveled to SF with me, which he did with every other visit. There was one time when, after we arrived at the airport, we were whisked into the house. I didn’t even notice it at first, until it dawned on me later that it was to prevent my grandfather or aunt’s family (who lived only 3 blocks away) from seeing my ex. My revelation happened the day after, when we were invited to have dinner with my aunt’s family. But it was of course the “royal” we, which did not include my ex. He was instead asked to stay home. My mom at least bought some takeout for him and brought him back a doggy bag. And the irony is not lost–he was treated the way that I am being treated now…on the one hand like a dog, and on the other hand like a dirty little family secret.

But the odd thing is that it was not the first time my ex was out in SF with me, and not the first time the he would have met my extended family. In fact he had met them just a year before, when he was “a friend” visiting with me from Boston. But my folks didn’t want my extended family meeting my ex twice in a row, which would have “raised suspicions”.

This type of arrangement of course also creates a rift between me and my extended family. They will never get to see the full extension of who I am, only whatever facade I have created for them on my parents’ behalf. And I will always be left torn with having to leave significant parts of my life out of conversation, and to have to pretend to be something I’m not to many people who are otherwise close to me. And then there are the wider number of extended relatives to whom I have not allowed myself to get too close because of this arrangement. In many ways, it has become my parents’ version of Star Trek’s prime directive.

But in this day and age of Facebook, the distances between me and my family mean nothing when everything is just a click away. And that’s why I was so surprised to receive this message from my dad on Facebook on New Year’s Day:

“Happy New Year ! Donny and Chris, We hope you’ve had a good year , and We wish you the best 2012.”

 

This is the first time they have acknowledged us as a couple…and in a forum as public as Facebook. I don’t know what security settings he has in place on his account, but most of his Facebook friends are relatives, who would be able to see his post. Are they now scratching their heads wondering who this “Chris” is? Are those Singaporean relatives who had met Chris now finally putting two-and-two together? Is my dad unsure about how public Facebook can be, or was this an active decision to start being more public about the real me and to stop hiding behind facades? I don’t have the answer to any of these questions yet.

 

But what I will do is to acknowledge this event as an important baby step towards fully accepting me and Chris into their lives. These were only a few words, perhaps written in haste on New Year’s Day, but they are meaningful and have deeply touched both me and Chris.