*Sighs*
So after last week’s emotional phone call (after 90 minutes of banalities–I kid you not), this week we are firmly back to square one. No follow-up discussions. No questions. No mentions of the wedding. TEITR (the elephant in the room) is back. We talked about my nephew’s allergic reaction (which naturally segued to a discussion of Whitney Houston and why it is bad [and potentially deadly] to mix beer and whiskey)…yet besides these issues and a few banalities, absolutely nothing else was brought up.
We sent out most of our save-the-date cards either by mail or email last week and this weekend. But I’m not sure if my folks have received their card yet. My mom didn’t bring it up, and I was not about to bring it up either because I wanted to see how far the charade would go. But it’s a game of chicken that no one can win. By me not bringing things up and pushing the envelope, they can (and will) continue to stick their heads in the sand. And by me continuing to bear this chip on my shoulder to see how long it will take for them, by their own volition, to become involved and engaged (or at least curious) about their son’s life, I am continuing to enable them to stick their heads in the sand.
Meanwhile I am also still living somewhat separate, yet parallel, lives when it comes to my extended relatives, in both real life and on Facebook. All of my extended relatives that I am connected to on Facebook see only a censored version of my life, courtesy of Facebook’s security settings. It all comes back to the pact that I made with my parents when I first came out to them, and it puts me between a rock and hard place where I cannot be true to myself (and to others) without disobeying my parents and breaking the Confucian ideals of filial piety that are the bedrock of Chinese family culture.
You can read more by clicking on the link to the Wiki page above, but these are a few of the things I am struggling with at the moment: Filial piety is considered the first virtue in Chinese culture. In somewhat general terms, filial piety means to be good to one’s parents; to take care of one’s parents; to engage in good conduct not just towards parents but also outside the home so as to bring a good name to one’s parents and ancestors; not be rebellious; show love, respect and support; display courtesy. While China has always had a diversity of religious beliefs, filial piety has been common to almost all of them; historian Hugh D.R. Baker calls respect for the family the only element common to almost all Chinese believers.
Yes, I often talk back to my parents. And I will laugh and joke with them, and sometimes poke fun at them rather than to hang on their every word with bated breath. And sometimes I argue and play hardball in order to get them to see my point of view (when they care to engage). But I also listen to them, I call them with unerring frequency regardless of the distance, time, or cost, and I have done more than my fair share of “bringing honor” to the family name. A Ph.D. from Harvard has got to be worth something. However, by mere virtue of living as an out and proud gay man, depending on one’s point of view about homosexuality, one can argue that I am bringing dishonor to the family by being true to myself rather than by living behind shadows and lies. Good thing I’m not one of those self-hating gays (who often end up promoting anti-gay agendas in the religious right or right-wing politics).
The more I think about it, the closer I get to wanting to really burst out of the closet with respect to those few individuals (the extended family) that don’t yet know (officially, at least). Several of the closer extended relatives (the ones in San Francisco) have not asked me about whether I have a girlfriend or any marriage prospects for years. Surely they must know already. But unless they hear it from me, how would they know? My folks surely aren’t going to bring it up. Yet I feel so handcuffed by the very Confucian values that I was brought up to uphold. And there is also the issue of that damn pact that prevents me from living a fully whole life.
Well, on the positive side, life goes on for me and for Chris. We hope by the end of this week to have our venues nailed down. Calls and emails have gone out, and by the end of the week we should know how much we will need to re-mortgage the house for.
2 replies on “Sighs”
Heya Donny,
You definitely have a conundrum that I didn’t have to face. Well, not completely anyway. I remember right after I came out to my parents (who were honestly great about it), my Mum only had one concern. I wasn’t to tell her family. Her family, the family I had ALWAYS gravitated towards growing up (explaining why I’ve always felt more Scottish/British growing up than Texan). I, too, often spoke back (or sometimes down) to my parents (being the youngest had advantages for me, I suppose). The first thing I did was to tell one cousin in Manchester who I knew would do the rest of the work for me. I did an end around by which the last person she wanted to know, was the last person to find out (so she couldn’t make a fuss). It turned out okay for me, but perhaps for you, a little caution might just be prudent!! Good luck!
Congratulations to the both of you! As a gay Asian-American engaged to be married next month, I too am in the same boat as you. My parents have met my fiance and simply adore him; however, when it came time to tell Mom about the engagement and upcoming wedding she asked, “why you have to marry?” Well, I don’t know Mom, could it be that I love this man and want to marry him? Why did you marry Dad? Long story short, she told me she is stressed out because she is fearful of being embarrassed that he gay son is marrying a man! God forbid she be stressed by my wedding! I told her that if she’s worried about embarrassment then she shouldn’t come to the wedding. I’ll get off my soapbox now and wish you and Chris the best of luck on your upcoming nuptials :o)